What a load of bollocks.

There is no way they are "Secret"

The people he is "volunteering" with are all so obviously out to convince him they need the most cash out of the pot he is willing to part with.

He's doing it for his own self righteous reasons. Swanning around, practically wafting his cash around and shouting "c'mon then, how much do you love me"

Last nights episode took the show to the lowest depths.


Shan't watch it again.

Charlie...

When left for longer than 3 hours (a rareity) gets very excited on your return ... and can nip your fingers. I have noticed this over the last couple of weeks. He does little pinches on your skin....


he, he he

best not bring the nephew round..... or perhaps i should....?

he he he.

I need to sober up! ;)

This week has been strange..... it's only fucking monday, WTF am I on about?

Had an intense residential course, which i despised - cuz i am a home bird and despised being away - and it is true to say i sulked at being away from home - rang, texted, rang and then sent a text.... twas a toughie. WHO WOULD WALK CHARLIE??????????????????????????? well, okay, lynn would.... BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

So, i found no reason not to go... I unfortunately have an incredibly supportive partner - so missing out on the residential parts of my course are an absolute No No ... which is a bit of a bitch really.... STILL THINK I WOULD'VE WALKED CHARLIE BETTER.

so I went.

came home

walked charlie

cried.

Wow - it is so close now. My god.... This year is just flying by. Scared now!! but in a fantastic way.

Blimey!

Had a fantastic night out on Thursday...

And now we're are just making final touches here and there.....

It is going to be so emotional I know. I just feel so close to my darling and can't wait for this very special day.

I have never been so close to my parents as I am now - they just can't do enough.

Just one family member is "making a stand" and refusing to come as "it's not proper" - shocking really as even my 80+ old grannie is fussing about what flowers / hat to wear.

It's all happening great - I don't think I have missed anything? gulp.........

We are both admitting to being as nervous as anything!

Having a diary like this is cool in a way that when I go no one I know will stumble across it, hidden away in my bedside cabinet.

But I don't want to go anywhere just yet - but am so very scared of death at the moment - and all due to the horror of last week. I can't shake the image, I can't stop thinking. I can't sleep and when I do i'm haunted. I need to overcome this so desparately - we are now into June, and this is going to be the best month of my life ever....but right now I'm just reliving last week - and am not sure how much more I can handle. I'm being strong for everyone else - being strong for my Gf - helping her through - being there for others.

Just want to get a grip.... please, can I just get a fucking grip - - I wish I knew where a "grip shop" was - I'd go buy one.

Fuck this has been a tricky couple of weeks - bloody thank god it's friday and the weekend can (maybe) be enjoyed in peace.

Why anyone would want to target a homeless charity I do not know.
so, we have now been robbed 3 times - in about a fortnight.

The third ( and I hope final) time involved breaking through my office door and stealing the entire bastard safe - must a been the incredible fucking hulk that night! How in the hell did they carry it....let alone pick the fucker up?????

I hope it fell on 'em and crushed them when they got home -- home? Yes I'm sure the twats that stole from the homeless have a home!! Cunts

Fuck

this

for

a

game

of

soldiers



where did that saying come from I wonder?

nothing sweeter...
than being with you..
being in your presence...
words are not needed...
just your gentle touch

hearing you move about the room,
sensing you close
listening to your desires

the smell of you
your warmth
comfort me
make me feel safe and content - nothing could harm me in moments like these.

nothing will harm me
not now, not ever
before you I was half the woman I am now.
I feel complete
......and utterly daft and madly in love............

We managed to get a couple of days off together. Sheer bliss.
I'm still so blown away and she knows exactly what makes me tick and how to get me to that place of absolutely no return
Most of all this fortnight we have been finishing off final preparations - and its like falling in love with her all over again. An excitement fills me, I am just looking forward to our day now - and the feeling seems to be so infectious.
I know this is going to be our most special day ever - and with it all falling into place now I feel so proud of our love, proud of my gorgeous girlfriend - and nothing could be more perfect than making a legal commitment. It's like I've got a permanent smile on my face! I've become a bore - It's all I wanna talk about. I've been blown away by how pleased people are for us - guys who I didn't really think would have an interest are wanting talk about it, how we are getting on etc.....

'twas smashing

and I thank her more each passing day..................

he he he

How I'm giggling right now

and ............tickled pink

Rips me apart....
Takes me away.
she blows me away in every single way.
It's not what I want
It is just what I need.

A diamond
Sharp - beautiful
Shining - desirable
Precious - delicate

Keep her safe
hide her away
show her off
be greedy with her and never let her go

I'm torn by desire - seethed with jealousy
fiercely protective
unashamedly of course
its bittersweet

Proud of my sweetheart
and faithful to her desires
dominant in my heart
knowing its all I could possibly desire
and all I wish too.....................

............................

.......................

..........................

x

my hearts beat - so fast, when I hear the door , hear her steps - coming closer. She's 5 seconds away - no, 3 ... no.. 2

She's in the room now

That look

That smile

That knowledge

I'm eased into submission - wrapped in her warmth.

She knows the strength... she must do . She can't not

The strength of this feeling simply cannot be bought

I let the moment engulf me

Warm me

Keep me safe

My sweet sweet angel - always near

Where in the fuck did Christmas go?????????
Jeez...

One minute its all shoppers rushing about buying the best of the crap, making sure the shite they buy at least LOOKS expensive and the next minute people are grabbing at the shitty smelly sets reduced to 3 quid at Boots... christmas decor is flagging and looking out of place in Nat west, where folk are standing in line looking depressed and feeling shit at the amount they have spent over xmas.
Ah well, soon be february eh?

Last day off now before I 've to go back to work. Grr. I have managed to switch off in a fashion. But I just can't be bothered. I'm gonna escape this afternoon by taking Charlie out for a run. He's already whinging next to me - or trying to type on the key board - which ain't good.

Yo ho ho.
This time of year is a funny one for me, I just like to hibernate and hide away from all the jolly people. Those that think its a great idea to ram this party spirit dowmn your throat do my head in. As do those that stress so much about what to buy, eat, wear..... it;s all a farce.

I just want to be with my very nearest and dearest - not venture out of the house. Stay safe and warm with the ones I love. No false shit. No acting like your interested in what your cousin has beenup to, or the fact your brother has actually started working in sales - (he's 33 and been an eternal student since he was 16)

The christmas in my own household will be full of love and warmth, genuine feelings with genuine people....obviously friends are popping over intermittently through the break...but the difference 'tween friends and family are that you choose your friends.

Smoke Free for almost two weeks now! ...... :)

Its been a blissfully perfect sunday. We got up dead early, wrapped up warm and piled the dogs into the back of the 4x4. Headed off to the local country park where we walked in almost solitary bliss for hours. The frost on the trees, the mist heavy in the air, ducks squabbling in a semi frozen lake. Charlie and Alex adoring the freedom of a massive area to run. as it got a little later we came across a few other hardened dog walkers - red setters, spaniels, sheepdogs, a collie - and then a huge rottweiler - who infact was the only dog the charlie chose to take on! The rott just looked at him in mild amusement and you could almost hear him snigger at the front of little charlie trying to be butch.

We came home to soak up the latest in the sunday papers and have tea and toast. I Couldn't ask for anything else really. It's simple things that make me feel happy and alive. It's been a lifestyle I have always yearned for. Things test me of course, a constant struggle with parents, work can drive you to distraction - but if you have a good foundation , sound beliefs and be secure in who you are then the rest of them can whistle

Smoking far too much! Tobacco and ----- ! only cos I had a chunk o the shit given to me. Have to say though, it giggly stoopid fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GF has been working and i've just had a couple of texts from her. We're doing okay - living / working together / on call 24/7. I think we're doing alright. We've only been together about 18months and have taken on this work (I was doing it 6months on own first - testing the water)Getting quality time together is at times a tough one, I am delighted that our love life seems to get more passionate as months go by - she is the first who Ive felt such complete intimacy with, at ease, craving, yearning her all the time...unlike previously where it's not felt right or made me cringe even . It is so important to spend your life being true to yourself, do what makes you happy and not just settle for the "safe" bet - cos eventually that safe bet will begin to destroy you

last night was cool.